Sweetheart

Recently a lot of these topics have been related to the way people see and interprate others' relationships, and this post is no different. Today I wanted to talk about the way people view high school relationships. If you haven't guessed yet that J. and I are in high school, allow me to clarify. Right now, we are both 17 and both juniors at the same high school. We are also very very in love... You know, the kind of love that makes your head spin every time you kiss and makes you dream about futures together and makes you forget that you are, indeed, not only a minor, but also not yet finished primary education. Sigh.

Several people like to bring up the following point within the context I've just given you: how important can a high school relationahip be, anyway??

Before I even answer this with my own opinions I'll tell you a few stories. One of the greatest, strongest couples I have ever had the privelage of meeting started dating in their junior year of high school, when they met in the marching band (which J. and I happen to be in). Now they have been married about eight years and have four amazing beautiful children. Another woman I know, an old teacher of mine, also married her high school sweetheart from her sophomore year- 50 odd years ago. One of my grandparents whom I never had the privelage of meeting also married their high school love.

Now obviously, these cases are not too common-- not every intense relationship that begins in high school lasts. However, the stories do prove that some relationships do indeed last through the school years and into old age.

Now my own opinion... Like most of my beliefs, I really think this entire situation depends entirely on the type of people involved and the circumstances accompanying the relationship. There is no instant 'shake n bake' recipe to guarantee that a high school relationship will last. I do think, though, that sometimes when you are with someone you really love, you can honestly feel in your heart and mind that they are the only person in the world in whom you will ever find intense happiness and completion. I also believe that you can find this person at any point in your lifetime. Why should you have to be a certain age to you find your second half, your soul mate?? I've read several stories about not only high school sweethearts, but also playmates from childhood becoming amazing married couples, and I don't think that these situations hold any less validity than "classic" marriage stories.

On that note, I accept that I cannot possibly know 100% if J. is in fact my soul-mate until the future becomes the present and eventually the past. But I do know that I would never in a million years want my soul mate and future husband to be anyone but this amazing man. I only consider myself more lucky that I have found him so early in my life.

What do you think about high school relationships? Do you have a cute high school sweethearts story?? Let me know!

See you when I see you.
A

Slower

It's a slow night tonight. All day the weather was dreary and cold and all around disgusting, with a horrible mix of rain and snow and on and off power. Everybody was a little down in school, and J. (due to this as well as his involuntary abstinence from coffee tonight) was no exception. Around 19.00 he started to lose his energy, and with that his willingness to talk and have any semblance of intelligent conversation.

Reading this, I might sound mad or frustrated, but I'm smiling; I know J. too well to know that this moodiness is anything more than lack of caffeine, school-related-sleepiness, and the weather. He'll be back to his totally perky self by tomorrow morning. (Well, not totally perky, but at least not a zombie).

The hardest thing for me to do when J. gets moody is simply let him be. In the meantime, I'd do anything for him he needs me to do. As his partner, I immediately think that it's my job to make him totally happy and make him laugh and smile 24/7... But (and I should know this from personal experience) some people just need time to veg out and be moody, and I need to let J. do exactly that. Meh.

Do you ever struggle to let your partner have some room to be moody? Are you like me, and want to smother them when they get quiet and taciturn? Let me know!

See you when I see you.
A

Talking

I'm one of those people that talks about my partner a LOT (as if you didn't already get that). Not only do I talk about J. a lot, but I also talk to him a lot. In fact, a little more than a lot. Kind of closer to ALL. THE. TIME. We are basically on skype chat or video calls every second we have wi-fi access and if we're not home, we text occasionally to check in on each other. Basically, we talk every free second we can spare...

Now, I know that I'm definitely not alone in this-- tons of couples talk 24/7, and even friends text or IM all the time. It's normal in today's day and age, and it's easy to justify. "Why wouldn't I talk to the person I care about if I can?" "What is the harm in talking to my friends and loved ones as much as I can?" And sometimes it's also easy to counter these arguments... "If you're talking to somebody over electronic devices all the time, you may miss what and who is around you in person." "You never have any personal space." "It's not healthy to talk to someone that much." Well.

Is it healthy to talk to someone practically 24/7? Or maybe not just one person, but to be communicating with others all the time through electronics?

It's hard to find an answer for this. Like I said earlier, there are several solid arguments on both sides. What I think-- and have come to stand by-- is that people should make their own decisions about how often they communicate electronically with others. Who is anyone to tell another person what is and isn't emotionally malevolent for him or her, if he or she is happy and healthy and safe? I'm certainly not going to impose my personal beliefs on anyone that simply wants to converse or spend time with someone they care about.

That goes for J., too: I would never force him to talk to me more than he was comfortable with, and I know he wouldn't do that either. I like that we are so close that we can discuss how much attention we need from one another without feeling demanding and without getting hurt. This kind of communication is especially important in relationships, where people are more easily damaged when, for instance, a text is ignored, or a video call dismissed. As long as feelings remain clear on the non-electronic communication lines, these muddy areas are easy to avoid.

What do you think? Is there a limit to how much you should talk to your partner in general? Or do you think it is a personal decision that everybody should make for themselves? Have you ever felt left out ((or in contrast, smothered)) by a partner because of their decisions when it came to communication, whether it was electronic or personal? Let me know!

See you when I see you.
A

Bases

Wow. Just... Wow.

((This post will be sexual. Abort now if you won't like it!))

Today was an "us" day for J. and I, and we did a ton of stuff... Went to the movies, went grocery shopping, went to Starbucks, went home and cooked dinner, played cards with my mom, ate, played more cards, watched some TV, and then I took him for ice cream on the way home... and we ended up having some unadulterated fun in the backseat.

Wow. Have I said wow yet? WOW.

I've mentioned my insecurity and self-esteem issues enough already on this blog that I feel stupid reiterating, but knowing that I struggle with those issues is key to understanding all these wows. Because, my dear strangers, tonight was the first time I took all of my clothing off in front of someone. And not only was I not afraid or ashamed or anxious... I enjoyed it.

Now lets get some random things straight here: a) I'm still a virgin b) J. also had his clothes off (also for the first time) and c) keep in mind we were in a tiny back seat. Difficulties are ABUNDANT!

I'm pretty sure that about 30 minutes were spent making out and exploring each other's bare bodies, and about 15 minutes were spent having really hot oral. There was something so hot and exposed and intimate about running my hands and lips over his bare body. His skin felt so smooth and soft and he was so warm and strong and I could NOT keep my hands off of him. Later, he told me he felt the same way. As for the oral, I recently read this sex blog on the Cosmo website and it gave me lots of tips... Lets just say I drove J. CRAZY with new techniques! He does this funny thing when he's really horny... He'll gasp, and then he'll laugh at his own reaction... (("Gasp... haha! Gasp! hahaha!... Gaspppppp... haha GASP haha!!!")) Like really. It was so funny and cute and sexy and I felt so powerful! In any case, he was done pretty quickly. Then it was my turn and... well. Wow.

I think tonight's mentality has a lot to do with the emotional connections J. and I have with each other. This was the first time we got so intimate with each other, and while I had gotten him to third base before, tonight he got me there for the first time. Obviously this can be a tricky step in any relationship, but neither of us felt awkward or ashamed or anything bad at all-- we were having the times of our lives. We even talked and joked during all this time and there was never a lull except for us to pause and (corny as it may sound) look into each others' eyes lovingly and longingly before starting up again. And truly, I don't think I could ever feel this comfortable, and relaxed, and simply RIGHT with anyone in the world but J.. Sexual acts or none, our chemistry is ridiculous, and he makes me feel like a million bucks every time he smiles at me. I could NEVER feel this close to anyone but him, and tonight just proved that even more.

Have you ever found amazing chemistry with a partner? What happened in your relationship? Do you find that it is hard to balance your physical and emotional concerns in your relationships, or does this come naturally? Let me know!!

See you when I see you.
A

Rings

J. and I have matching rings. We got them 3 months into our relationship when we realized we wanted to try and spend the rest of our lives together. Before you jump on us for being naive, let me explain a bit.

Like I've mentioned before, I've been with two other guys before J. and neither of them worked out too well. Luckily I also maintained good friendly relationships with these guys after leaving them, and I'm not "terribly scarred" or "heartbroken", but I have definitely learned a lot from them, too. I learned that no matter how much you say you want to spend forever with someone, it's never going to happen unless 1) you actually mean it and truly enjoy spending time with your partner and 2) they feel the same way. Well, suffice it to say that I didn't exactly find that perfect combination in either of my previous relationships.

So, when I started dating J., I was still relatively young, and told myself that it was naive and stupid and pointless to "plan a forever" with someone, and that if I did this with J., I would be setting myself up for failure. So, for the first two months of our relationship, I was closed up about how I really felt about him: I told him I wasn't serious about our relationship, and I wasn't too outwardly romantic. Well finally, one night, that all changed.

He told me that I made him the happiest he'd ever been, and I realized that I felt the same exact way. All of my walls broke down and we agreed: if we make each other so ridiculously happy, why would we ever end our relationship?

So, we came to a few conclusions... 1) That we like where we are in life, being with each other, and that we won't let something small and pointless break our bonds. 2) That we know shit happens and that a promise to love each other doesn't always mean that the universe won't intervene. 3) That for however long we ARE together, we will treat each other with the utmost love and respect and that this time together will be "Our Forever".

The concept of Our Forever quickly turned into "infinity" for shorthand, especially the use of the infinity symbol, and we got rings with infinities stamped on them. These rings aren't promises that forever will be easy, or handed to us, or immediately guaranteed... Instead, they are more like a way to honor our relationship and our love for each other, however long it may last: hopefully, for the actual forever.  :)

Did you ever have a "promise ring" with someone? Did it make you feel trapped or safe? Did you ever break up with someone you had rings with (like I did in relationship #2)?? Let me know!!

See you when I see you.
A

Singing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIwcSmN8Uo0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

It's not hard to be in love
For me anymore
It's as easy as an egg
Falling on the floor
You won't ever have to drive
I'll get us there
Just promise me you won't cry
When I lose my hair

I'll probably meet you as a friend
And I won't see the change
But, all of the sudden
We'll both feel something strange
You can ask me if it hurts
I'll tell you no
Just promise me you won't leave
When I'm getting older
You will be getting older too
And I'll still be there for you

With or without the hair
Just me... And you.


**siigghhss**
See you when I see you.
A

Friends

I got on facebook this morning (the bane of public forum, I know) and noticed that a friend of mine didn't realize I had my appendix out and didn't know why I had been missing so much as of late. My very close friend, 'Ginger', told her what was up and said that she missed me.

Now I know it's a normal thing for people to miss you when you've been a hermit for 10 days, but seeing Ginge, not the most open or emotional person in the world, tell everybody on facebook that she missed me... well it induced an AWWW moment and I immediately invited her over for coffee and lunch. Now seeing as I'm not sleeping in, forever grateful for the relief from school called Thanksgiving break like the rest of my friends, I'm sure she won't see this until later, but I wanted to write this before I talked to her anyhow.

It's things like this that make you really realize that not only do you need your friends, but they need you just as much. Here I was feeling lonely and basically helpless post-op, and I didn't even think that my friends might have missed my company just as much as I missed theirs. It really makes me grateful that I have such fantastic relationships with my few good friends. My other very close friend "Pixy" is exactly the same, and I love her and Ginge like sisters. We're a fantastic trio and I don't think I ever could have been luckier than to land two amazing girls who are so down to earth and beautiful as these two for friends. The relationship I have with these chicas is just as powerful as any lust-love-boyfriend-girlfriend relationship I could ever think of, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Do you have friends as close as sisters or brothers? Do you ever take them for granted, or take yourself for granted in your relationships with them? What's your favorite way to spend time with them? Let me know!

See you when I see you.
A

Wonderful

"I'm only as wonderful as you make me"

This phrase seems popular in conversation between J. and I, and I'm not a huge fan of it, though I probably say it as much as he does. This phrase is making me question something kind of big in relationships: Do people underestimate and undermine themselves when they think highly of their partner? And how does this affect relationships?

Personally, I definitely have some self-esteem issues, and so it's really easy for me to put J. on a pedestal above myself. I feel like this is something all couples are prone to, especially if the people involved are self-conscious. It's a trap we fall into so easily: while simply praising and appreciating our loved ones, we put ourselves below them. While this may be a conscious act or not, it definitely has some consequences.

Underestimating ourselves in relationships immediately makes it impossible to discover our full potential and all of the gifts we can uniquely bring into our relationships. By imagining that the only good part of ourselves is found in our partner, we blatantly ignore any good qualities we have totally on our own. The worst part is, this is so easy to do even with the best intentions. Who wouldn't look to the most happy or most loving part of their life for their best qualities? However, it's important to remember that there's more to us than our relationships.

In fact, if I want to get all philosophical, the theories of existentialism state that, basically, we are the sum of our actions: We become what we do and experience in life. Existentialist theories also state that because of this, we find happiness in accomplishments and in trying our hardest to be the best versions of ourselves. So, by these theories, it seems so horrible and wasteful to simply ignore our potential because we are "only what others make of us".

I'm not saying that we don't gain  a heck of a lot from relationships. J. gives me so much to learn from, and with him I've developed many personality traits that I think are beneficial... Self-confidence, trust, the ability to let go and be spontaneous, and several others. But my relationship with J. is not my defining quality and that's something that is hard to both see, accept, and implement in my daily life. When I think about how many times I describe myself with my relationship, or mention that I'm in a wonderful relationship with J., it becomes more and more apparent that I use him to help define myself.

I feel a bit hypocritical writing this: like I've said, I am probably one of the guiltiest people when it comes to underestimating myself and putting my partner on a pedestal. However, writing this helps me to see what is hard to find through muddled thoughts and warm emotions. Hopefully, I can take what I'm finding, and use it more and more in my day to day life.

What about you? Have you ever put yourself and your partner on "levels" and found them to be different? Do you usually put yourself "above" or "below" your partner? Have you ever been on the metaphorical pedestal? How did it make you feel? Let me know!!!

See you when I see you.
A

Moods

Do you ever have a really strong, really sudden mood swing you don't really know how to describe? I know, that's basically the definition of teenage emotions, or emotions in general I guess... But tonight I became a little more aware of how mood swings affect relationships.

It started when J. tried to get me to guess what he got me for Christmas, while I attempted to re-write a post I accidently lost (all 6 paragraphs of it!) earlier. He told me that we had already talked about the thing he was getting me, and guessing quickly turned into me rummaging through my memory. I was also rummaging for the emotions and words behind my earlier post and having zero luck. Lets just say I was falling very short in both departments.

The thing is, I have a really horrible memory. I don't remember most of my childhood... I hardly remember events from 6 months ago. I only remember *big things* or random memories that have stuck with me. Cumulatively, I think I have less than 50 memories from before the time I was in middle school. Now, I'm not sure that that's a weird number, but it feels small to me, and it really bothers me. My short-term memory is just as bad, and it shows up in things like remembering why I wanted to go to the store, studying vocab, and recalling lessons while I'm reading notes. Basically I just get really ticked off with my brain and its short-comings in memory.

So, while I was talking to J., these memory issues seemed so pertinent and so horribly inconvenient and incapacitating and for some reason I became really childishly upset. I was pouting and to be honest, I still am a little, though writing about it is helping. The weirdest part is that although these memory issues have almost nothing to do with J. and I, it made me frustrated not just at myself, but at him. Within the span of 3 minutes I went from jokingly playing '20 questions' and laughing, to moodily sulking over everything, and snapping at him (in the form of muting his sound on the call because he was making an annoying sound). He must have known something was up and he left to get coffee and I got even moodier: I felt not only frustrated, but now like a bitch. I had just snapped at the love of my life because I couldn't remember what I had written in a previous blog post, or what I had asked for for Christmas.

I feel like I could find a lot of excuses for that behavior, but I can't. Yes, it was a good blog post that I was proud of and wanted to share. Yes, I'm tired and I hate my memory issues. But he did not deserve my moodiness and I do not deserve to be so harsh on myself and others due to something out of my control.

Meh.

Do you ever have problems with your own moodiness affecting your partner, or other people you're in relationships with? Has it ever been so bad it resulted in a fight, or worse? Are the people you really love the ones who take your moods in stride and help you, or the ones who snap you out of it and back into reality? Let me know!

See you when I see you.
A

((P.S. The blog post has been resurrected from my memory, though I know it has a different spin now. Still, it is what I wanted to say, and maybe better. Who knows? Well, here it is. Enjoy!))

Seriously

I'm in a really good mood right now (I haven't had any appendix-related pain yet all day, I'm baking some delicious oatmeal fudge bars, I'm blasting Jason Mraz, etc) so I figured this would be a good time to blog about something that makes me really angry. This way I'm at least attempting a semblance of subjectivity!!

Last night I was talking to J. and I asked him why he had been a little distant recently. I know, probably not the best question to avoid prying when your partner has indeed been distant, but hey, I figured he would either tell me or not. And tell me, he did. Apparently, his parents have been really "bitchy" recently (namely, his mother) and he hasn't been getting along super well with them. On top of this, a few of his sisters have been home from college recently, and they have also been (in his words) "bitchy". So he's been really stressed about this, and he's getting frustrated that he can't really do anything about their attitudes. When I asked him why he doesn't think he can do anything about their attitudes, he shocked me:

"They mock us when you're not around"

I think I was actually stunned when he said this so bluntly. See, I thought I was forming a really nice and close relationship with his parents; I talk to them whenever I see them and we joke and I've had dinner with them once... I accidently walked in on his dad in the bathroom for goodness sakes!! And I know that his sisters are also fond of me... At least, that's what they have told me and J. when I'm not there. So to hear that his parents and sisters didn't take us as seriously as I expected-- even went so far as to mock our relationship-- kind of hit me below the belt. 

I don't really know how to react, either. Obviously this has been going on for a little while, and I've been oblivious. How do I continue to act pleasant and ignorant when I know now that J.'s parents are two-faced? I thought the relationships I was forming were strong enough to leave things on the table, and didn't ever think they would say bad things about me and J. and my relationship, but now that they have, I don't know where I really stand or what I think. 

Last night in the midst of all this I told J. that the only things we can do are learn from the situation and ignore them, which I said is all this behavior deserves. And I still believe that. But one thing I still have to figure out is what to do now? 

Have you ever dated someone whose parents didn't take your relationship seriously, or talked about you behind your back? Did you pretend not to know and try to win them over, or confront them to let you know you felt uncomfortable and betrayed? Let me know!

Insecurity

So what prompted me for this first post? Appendicitis.

Damn appendix had to go and get all swollen and angry seven days ago and soooo I've been out of commission since then-- and probably for another five days or so. LUCKILY I am healing very quickly. I've been up and about and the only thing I can't do until I have my follow up appointment is drive or go to school. Bummer.

So, back to normal with-an-appendix-life, I'm generally emotional and insecure. I'm also pretty needy and I love attention from the boo. Needless to say, this past week has been pretty taxing for me, just sitting on my couch, trying my hardest to steal any free time of J.'s and watching Netflix sitcoms. The only problem is, J. still has an appendix- and a ton of school work to do before break starts. Aaannnddd it's been hard to accept that he still only has an hour or so of free time while I have all day. The few minutes I do get to talk to him (and the precious five hours he spent at my place two days ago) have been desperate and whiny and super mushy and probably way too much for him to handle. Which is why I've been getting really insecure.

I tried to talk to him last night, and I was getting very lovey. I had just heard in church about a recent widow who will have to spend her first holiday without her husband, and it made me think of how lucky I was to be in a loving relationship. So, I wasn't just randomly dropping buckets of love on J.... but still, I was probably overwhelming him. It didn't help that he was trying to read a chapter in a textbook that I know is due today. So while I attempted to hold a heartfelt conversation, and he attempted to hold up his grades, we realized it wasn't working and he went to go work without a chat-box distraction.

I know that, especially in this instance, it's very silly of me to pine and whine about such a trivial "lack" of attention, but it highlights a problem I've encountered several times before... When am I just being over-emotional and petty, and how do I recognise and get past this??

What have you done to get past fickle feelings of loneliness and petty moments of "neglect"? I found that I was trying to reassure myself that "it's not that he doesn't want to talk to you, it's just that he's busy", and that helped because i knew it was true. But obviously it still stings, just a little, or I wouldn't be writing a post about it. How do you know when to let work be work and not let it interfere with your personal relationship?

Hopefully this feeling will go away when we get some quality time together over Thanksgiving holiday :)

See you when I see you.
A

((The morning after mini-note:

I talked to J. last night and he said if he was distant it was because of stress and a pornpem I didnt even know about! More about that subject tomorrow!))

Introduction

So today I was reading a lot of posts by an anonymous woman who blogs for Cosmopolitan magazine who goes by "S" and I was totally inspired. She writes about sex and love and relationships, and I -- being the young virgin I am -- was obviously intrigued and wanted to talk and write about my own opinions on the same subjects as I discovered them. I love to write and I have waayy too many feelings, so I figured a blog was as good a vent as any.

I feel that anonymity has a lot to do with this decision- I sometimes feel so abashed about my writing and my limited sexual knowledge and experience. But I know that I can share my thoughts without a name or face here and that inspires me; I love the concept of public forum and this is such a discovery-filled topic that I can't wait to start.

If anybody does ever read this, and it happens to be YOU, I encourage you to write responses. It would make me so happy just to hear what people have to say about things I think of during my day.

An introduction to myself... I've been in three major relationships in my life (in the middle of love #3 now) and I'm definitely the kind of girl to fall in love hard and fast. Both of my previous relationships lasted a year and a half each and my current relationship has been going on for about 5 and a half months now, with a wonderful man you'll know as J.. J. and I were really good friends when I ended my last relationship, and because of our increased contact due to his consolations and my need for an emotional partner, we ended up dating three weeks later, and becoming serious within three months, by the end of the 2012 summer. But, more on him later.

I love music and science and reading and writing and philosophy; basically anything that makes me use my noggin. I am in school and I love it- I'm a learner. I'm also, unfortunately, a fairly self-conscious girl. I struggle with self-esteem issues, but luckily I'm starting to improve with much help from J.. I'm really emotional all the time and I'm sure I'll write my fair share of super-freak-out-ish blogs that I'll regret or change my opinions on, but that's what life's all about anyway.

This is a little long for an intro, but I think I covered all the bases :)

See you when I see you-
A.