There is something about falling
in love.
It’s incredibly terrifying to
face new insecurities. You want to ask them, beg them to tell you what their
opinion is of all of your own fears about yourself. Even if it’s bad, you just
want to know. But when they tell you that they don’t mind, even love, something
you thought you were ashamed of, it only makes you like them more. How can we
not, as humans? It’s our condition to want to be loved. We think we don’t fit
in, and somebody comes around that finally shows us how our puzzle piece slips
into place.
And everything you notice about
that person, every new little thing… The way their hair falls. The color of
their eyes. The shape of their face. The feel of their lips against yours.
Their hand in yours, your hand in theirs. The way their arms feel wrapped
around you. Their ticklish spots that nobody else knows about. The sound of
their voice, their laugh, their whisper. Everything new presents one with this
incredible breath of fresh air that can be overwhelming, like how taking too
many deep breaths of oxygen can make you feel dizzy. But besides that dizzying,
disorientation called getting to know someone, there is an amazing feeling that
not only lets you experience another person as intimately as you may experience
yourself, but also allows you to feel the amazing diversity of the world
wrapped up in this new little package of happiness and wonder.
There is also the ever-present
uncertainty in new and developing love. “Are they going to call me? Should I
call them first? What if they don’t want to talk to me? Am I over-thinking
this?” But this uncertainty, this is simple and shallow compared to the
uncertainty of the first use of the word love. Oh, does anybody in the universe
ever feel confident in their first utterance of “I love you”? I suppose there
are some cases, but I haven’t experienced that ever, not yet.
No, what I am experiencing is
this pull, this total desire at times, when he is sad or remembering painful
memories, or when he is happy, giddy even, with playfulness and excitement, or
when he stares into my eyes for hours and it’s like he’s the first one to see
all of me and truly accept and want all of what he sees. It bubbles in my
throat, pricks at my tongue and nags at my vocal chords, my lips. “I love you,
I love you, I love you”. But do I? What IS love? I feel that I’m certainly on
my way to something truly special with this man. But are we there yet? In the
middle of a deep talk, or when he tells me something personal… When kissing
him, just kissing him, is all I need, all I want, and the most breathtaking and
whole thing I have felt in so long… When he, the silent type, says something
incredibly touching, looking me right in the eyes… When he holds me, and I feel
like the world is a little more empty when he’s no longer there… When his
shirt, huge on me, but not smelling at all like him is still a comfort to me
just because it’s his… All of those
moments, I feel in love. That is, if in love is when you need the other person
as a constant in your life as common as food or water. If love is when you
can’t bear the thought of them lying to you. If love is when you totally trust
them with all your secrets, all your dark pasts, all your fears and
insecurities, all your imperfections, and all of your opinions. If love is when
you’re taken by complete surprise every single time when they catch you up in a
huge hug, or a tight embrace, or an unexpected kiss, and that surprise turns
into a happiness that comes from being wanted, being admired, being special. If love is when that person
makes you truly feel like you belong, and that you are nothing short of
beautiful to them, in all ways, in any outfit, any bad hair day, any bad day in
general, any circumstance.
If all that is being in love, I’m
certainly there.
Is he? Can I know that, unless he
says so? Should I say so?
It’s something about falling in
love, I guess.
See you when I see you.
A
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