Wonderful

"I'm only as wonderful as you make me"

This phrase seems popular in conversation between J. and I, and I'm not a huge fan of it, though I probably say it as much as he does. This phrase is making me question something kind of big in relationships: Do people underestimate and undermine themselves when they think highly of their partner? And how does this affect relationships?

Personally, I definitely have some self-esteem issues, and so it's really easy for me to put J. on a pedestal above myself. I feel like this is something all couples are prone to, especially if the people involved are self-conscious. It's a trap we fall into so easily: while simply praising and appreciating our loved ones, we put ourselves below them. While this may be a conscious act or not, it definitely has some consequences.

Underestimating ourselves in relationships immediately makes it impossible to discover our full potential and all of the gifts we can uniquely bring into our relationships. By imagining that the only good part of ourselves is found in our partner, we blatantly ignore any good qualities we have totally on our own. The worst part is, this is so easy to do even with the best intentions. Who wouldn't look to the most happy or most loving part of their life for their best qualities? However, it's important to remember that there's more to us than our relationships.

In fact, if I want to get all philosophical, the theories of existentialism state that, basically, we are the sum of our actions: We become what we do and experience in life. Existentialist theories also state that because of this, we find happiness in accomplishments and in trying our hardest to be the best versions of ourselves. So, by these theories, it seems so horrible and wasteful to simply ignore our potential because we are "only what others make of us".

I'm not saying that we don't gain  a heck of a lot from relationships. J. gives me so much to learn from, and with him I've developed many personality traits that I think are beneficial... Self-confidence, trust, the ability to let go and be spontaneous, and several others. But my relationship with J. is not my defining quality and that's something that is hard to both see, accept, and implement in my daily life. When I think about how many times I describe myself with my relationship, or mention that I'm in a wonderful relationship with J., it becomes more and more apparent that I use him to help define myself.

I feel a bit hypocritical writing this: like I've said, I am probably one of the guiltiest people when it comes to underestimating myself and putting my partner on a pedestal. However, writing this helps me to see what is hard to find through muddled thoughts and warm emotions. Hopefully, I can take what I'm finding, and use it more and more in my day to day life.

What about you? Have you ever put yourself and your partner on "levels" and found them to be different? Do you usually put yourself "above" or "below" your partner? Have you ever been on the metaphorical pedestal? How did it make you feel? Let me know!!!

See you when I see you.
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