New

Every time J. and I hang out and have the opportunity to have a little fun, we generally take it shamelessly and quickly (because we are, deep down inside, simply horny teenagers), and tonight was no different. We probably pissed off a couple of movie-goers who happened to look the wrong way while we were smooching, but we tried to be discreet while sneaking kisses during the film. But whether it was the suspense and secretive sense added by the public setting, or the precious time together after a little while of not having a chance to be together, every single time J. kissed or touched or caressed me, it felt brand new. Every breath I took felt like a gasp of fresh air and every breath he took mirrored the intensity and emotion of my own. All of his skin, his face, his eyes, his lips, his mouth, all of it felt new. His voice sounded new and beautiful in my ear and his hand on my face and in my hair sent new tingles and shivers down my back.

I don't know if anything was different tonight than it ever has been before... But it all felt new and wonderful, and pretty much magical.

There's something about J. that only shines through in moments where we are absolutely together and seemingly undisturbed by anyone around us. He gets a certain way when he feels comfortably alone with me that he never gets any other time. He becomes more intimate, both gentler and more urgent at the same time. He pulls my face close to his and reaches for my hands to hold him as well, and he breathes deeper and quicker, and he kisses harder and softer at the same time, and it's all really incredible. The first time he kissed me when we were alone in the car, I was shocked (pleasantly) at this new sensation, but that was months ago, and that couldn't have been the newness I felt tonight. So, while all of that was there tonight, the newness was something different.

J. and I also have this thing where we say "I do" instead of "I love you" sometimes, because it holds more of a promise than the intent of "I love you" and resonates deeper with both of us. It's still a new thing in our relationship, and we definitely don't over use it, but tonight at one point I told James I loved him, and when he said "I love you more" I simply replied "I do"... To which he promptly whispered back "I do, I love you baby". This sent chills down my spine and all over my body and filled me with an amazing warmth because the love of my life was promising me something special and whispering it in my ear and I felt simply incredible. But, that wasn't what the newness was from either.

I don't know about anybody else, but when I date people, I tend to fall into a pattern of kissing with them pretty quickly, and I usually don't venture far off that path with them. However, with J., we both like to switch things up and try different techniques and pressures, etc, and it keeps things fun and exciting and we discover new ways to spice up our simple kisses. Tonight we were all about that. For nearly 2 straight hours, we kissed, and kissed, and kissed, and every single one was different. But that wasn't it either.

It was mostly, I think, the thrill of being loved through all the shitty things that have happened recently. I made a bad decision a week ago; a decision that could have ruined us if I or J. had chosen to let it. But we didn't, and we pushed through, and we celebrated Christmas, and we kissed in a movie theatre, and we whispered I do in the darkness, while 100 people around us were oblivious to the beautiful nascent loving thing that was being created in the back row amidst teenage lust and love and forgiveness and the relief of moving on. And that new level of connection, of love and total happiness was that feeling I experienced in my partner's arms tonight. And I loved every second of it.

Do you have moments of new? Do you ever feel that incredible sensation of becoming stronger, of forging another link in the chain of a relationship? Do you think they stick out as much as I feel they do? Let me know!

See you when I see you.
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