Screwing Up

I've talked before about how I'm a very open person, and that I believe that love and relationships are very broad and accepting (in my life at least) and so it may be easy to understand that I'm a very open, loving, comfortable, and touchy person. I kiss my friends on the cheek (half due to my amazing experiences with a french exchange student this summer, half due to my closeness with others), I usually greet people with hugs, I am such a cuddle lover, and in general I don't really hold back. I'm also really naive, and I tend to trust people really really easily, even when they don't deserve that trust. So, last night... I really screwed up.

I was at a Christmas get together with some friends, including a very close friend of mine, Kyle. Kyle and I are both very touchy, emotional people, so when the group of us popped in a movie and snuggled in, Kyle and I snuggled up. We're really comfortable with each other as friends, so this didn't feel weird at all. And then it went too far.

In the interest of my dignity and Kyle's, I'll only say that we didn't kiss, but our hands were places they shouldn't have been, and we were both at fault. The entire time we sat there, I kept telling myself, "you should stop him", "you should say something", and "J. is going to be so hurt" but for some reason we were both in a moment and didn't really stop until the movie ended... And then we both kind of snapped out of it and realized what we were doing.

Now, this sort of thing is not at all like me. I am very touchy, yes, but I am also extremely loyal. I stand by people with all I have, and I love J. so much, I know I would defend his happiness and love with my last dying breath. So the entire drive home, I was continuously cursing myself internally for what I had just allowed to happen. I could have done something, anything, to stop, but I didn't. And I regret that. But as much as I regret everything that happened, it already happened, and I can't change that. If it happened, it happened for some unknown cosmic reason and who the hell knows why. All I can do is take what happened and try to make the best out of it.

When I told J., he was really surprised. This really isn't like me and of all people to have done that with, Kyle was the last person I or J. would expect. However, because J. is pretty much the most amazing and tolerable and understanding man in the universe, he forgave me pretty much immediately, and decided he felt better if he could just move on and forget that this happened. He knows that I didn't mean for this to happen and that it was a weird freak circumstance, and it's not like I did anything with Kyle like kiss or go farther (or even close) to where I've gone with J., so he forgives me. He said he didn't want some silly accident like this to stand between us; he loves me more than all my mistakes, and despite them, too.

I still feel horrible, none the less. What I did was inexcusable, and I never ever thought I would have to say something like "I got intimate with another person" to J. in all of my life with him. It was truly out of the blue and I will never let it happen again, ever. I'm just happy that he is forgiving and understanding enough to forgive me and move on. I can definitely do that for him, at least. I would do anything for him, always, and I hope he remembers and knows that.

So I screwed up. I'm human. Kyle and I feel horrible about what we did, but we recognize that it probably resulted from our close friendship and our low self-esteems. For him personally, he made the move because he hasn't been with anyone in such a long time and felt comfortable. For me, I truthfully didn't even totally realize what was happening until his hands started to wander.... We screwed up. We're human. It happens. I'm just glad I can accept that it happened but definitely wasn't meant to be, and that J. and I made it out ok, and probably stronger from it, too.

I love J. with all my heart, and now I will always remember what I had to put him through before I ask him for anything. He accepts me for everything I am and do, and I am so lucky to have such a special man who loves me so deeply. I'm human and I screwed up. But this time at least, both J. and I made it out ok.

Have you ever cheated on a partner? What happened? Did you tell them? Have you ever been on J.'s side of this, and if so, what did that feel like? Let me know!

See you when I see you.
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