Resolution

Last year on New Year's Eve, I questioned how much I "loved" the man I was with. The year before, I had said "I love you" to him the first time. So much changed in that year, and in this one. In this year, I left someone, became a new person, found the love of my life, developed a rock solid relationship with him, fucked something up, but pushed through and confirmed the strength of our relationship. Last year, my resolutions were to lose weight,  find a job, and be a good girlfriend for a man who didn't deserve me. This year, I don't need to change, at least not to please the man I love. This year, my only "resolution" is to be happy. Simply, completely, Happy. To change the things I can and to accept the things I can't. To smile when I want to cry and to find good traits and wellness where others only see despair and hatred. To never hate. To explore and explore and explore and explore and be content to know that I know absolutely nothing. To be, and be content. To be, and to search, and to laugh and love and give and live. Last year, I changed, and found the capacity to be this person of happiness. This year, I will find this happiness.

According to this amazing man on this video, we are, by our own perspective, the scientific exact center of the universe. At every moment. I am the center of the universe that surrounds me. I react and feel and think in a way totally unique to myself, and the rest of the universe goes on around me. No matter what I do, the universe will continue to grow and think and react and BE in a different way than me, and I cannot ever change that. So, I sit in my center and I observe and I explore and I learn and I contemplate, and I take away the fact that nothing is the same, and I am the center, able to observe everything around me.

Another thing to think about: the future just happened. And again. And again. Now. And now. And now. The "future" is happening every single second, but we waste it's potential and fullness with plans for big things to do. Nobody plans to breathe and eat and drink and sleep and live in their "future". People plan college and marriage and kids and a house and the mortgage and other peoples' funerals, and they breathe and they live right through the little moments. The little moments, wasted. Gone. The future? The present, the past, the long forgotten. Imagine all of the breaths you've ever taken in your life... and do we remember a single one? I'm not saying I'm about to start counting, come 2013. But I'm going to start contemplating.

Why would I ever waste a single second being worried or mad or sad? What is there to be sad about, really? Besides large events, life is precious and wonderful, and five minutes of happiness and appreciation of being alive and doing something outweighs five years of petty, shallow sadness.

I'm not turning my back on the importance of passion and the potency of amazing ranging emotions. But when I say being alive, I'm including all of these emotional considerations. I've said before what I think it means to be a person, and to think and feel and love and learn. Being happy about being alive might just be shadowed over by a shitty day or a crappy event. But in the seconds and breaths between the darkness, I'm going to find light in being alive. And that's that.

Happy New Years, everyone. What's your resolution?

See you when I see you.
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